Sunday 30 October 2011

Trying to embrace new things even through the negativity

For about 5years of my life I have been extremely under wieght, to the point where when I had my transplant my bmi as fars we know was around 15, I obviously wasn't weight for a while before as I was heavily sadated and hooked up to machines.

I had almost completly stop enjoying food, on me and stus hunny moon in cornwall, we went and had 5* food and I could only eat a few mouthfulls of the steak and was full and struggling to breath more then ever. I was then unable to eat for sooo long after my transplant, another reason for my depression at the time, because of my tracky.

The only time I ate pre transplant would be social events when I would try and scoff as much food as I could. Which brings me to the main subject of this blog, people commenting on how much I ate, saying things like pig, garbage bin ect. I could just about handle this at the time as I was soooo skinny, I knew it was pure jelously, but these comments have followed me over to my post transplant life, I am for the first time in years enjoying food and I realise I am eating quite alot, but my bmi has only just reached a healthy number of 19, this to me feels very heavey as Im just not used to it, but im not starving myself Im still eating a nice amount and continuing to get nasty snide comments.

Im going to the gym nearly every day where iv started a mix of fit ball, LBT, core stability, pilates and strech and tone. I do about 2hours in the gym ever other day. with a mix of Cardio vascular trying to build up for my sponsored bike ride next year and wieghts to get my strengh up to push my pole dancing to the next level. Im also teaching and poling and rock climbing. So I would say Im very very active.

So what these comments are doing to me, they make me feel awful, fat and like I am som discusting being who cant control herself and eats everything in sight.

The one comment I truely hate is havn't your cheeks got chubby, yes yes they have Im on pred, they are chubby.

Well this is the end of my rant, im trying to embrace my new body and slight curves, but how can I do that with this attitude floating around me.

Wednesday 26 October 2011

Love on the transplant list

Love on the tranpalnt list BBC3 28th NOVEMBER 9pm

Please tweet and share on facebook, just because iv done a doc doesn't mean people will watch it.

Midweek Herald

 Old and new lungs

Monday 17 October 2011

Gym, Rock climbing, Media and Grief

I have been training hard, hitting the gym for 2-3 hours every other day. I want to be super fit! I want to be at the top of my game with pole and with life. Im teaching a few lessons again now and poling as much as I can although I defently need a Pole training buddy.

Im also rock climbing now, at least once a week, Iv only just started, but did a course on belaying, knots ect so now me and stu go to our local climbing wall exeter Quay climbing! Its amazing really big, lots of different walls and a self belaying system so you can go on your own if you want. So I brought my own harness the other day Its lilac and I love it. Its so exciting.
A bit of bouldering

I was in the express and echo and western morning news on our nomination for love story of the year int he cosmopolitan awards, If we win we will be attending a glamarous event. The Mail on sunday on my documentry which is coming out on the 28th november and is entitled 'Love on the transplant list'.

Coming up

The midweek herald, Chat magazine, Zest magazing (proceeds to LLTGL), bbc radio devon and talk radio euroupe! exciting stuff.

A moment of shere panic and saddness

As I have said Rachael wakefield is very sick and will not be recovering this time. That with a few other friends who are really sick left me in a state of panic and saddness at the gym. I was working out, sweating and really going for it, I suddenly did a fast burst ont he bike and the tears just came running and running and running. I was i a histerical crying fit. I managed to hid it as much as i could and called my mum over who was 2 bikes away. letting lease my feelings of complete helplessness for all my suffering friends. I just couldn't hold it in. I hate how cruel life is and how my firends are dying around me and I simply cannot do anytthing to help them. I composed myself and carried on after 15mintues but there it was, I can't lye to myself Im struggling with grief and helplessness.

I am off my anti depressants and over all I am extremly happy, so happy its beyond belief and I can't say this out burst was anything to do with coming off my anti depressants. It was just an acumilation of grief, which im trying to deal with.

So life over all is good, but im thinking about all my struggling friends out there, love you all.

Monday 10 October 2011

Life and death

I knew i said Stuart would be writing the next blog but i have been compelled to write, Today I heard Victoria tremlett Is finally getting her transplant after 4years and 3months on the transplant list and 8 false alarms. I have to say I felt shere happiness, she is finally getting her chance, I have to say a i felt a pain of guilt when I had mine and I thought of Victoria who had been waiting longer then me. But finally she is getting her lungs.

Sad, so deeply sad, I have cried and cried, I knew it was coming but it seems that time is finally hear, Rachael Wakefield who under went a double lung transplant after many complications, is now very very sick and will not be recovering. I instantly wrote a letter of goodbye's and went down to the post box in floods of tears and posted it. What do you write when you know someones dying. That your last ever words to that person have been written.