Monday, 25 April 2011

Missing a part of me

I have decided to give you an insight into my life, something that I wasn't really ever going to share on this blog, but its such a big part of me and who I am. To understand what CF has really done you have to see what I was and what my life was before I had to give it all up. I go around pretending that I don't care that its a small part of me and it is in a way because there is so much to me and what makes me, me. I have to pretend I don't care because otherwise it hurts alot more. POLE.

I was a fitness pole dancing instructor. I lived and dreamed pole. Sometimes its still comes in to my sleep, but now its in my nightmares, the ones that remind me of it being ripped out of my life. You may be sitting there not understanding what fitness pole is, you may think its seedy. But for me, it was an art, a dance, acrobatics on a pole, a gymnastic, it was all of those rolled into one and I taught it, I shared that love with others and educated women about fitness. I don't think you can ever understand my love of pole, not even as one of my students, because at the level I was at you only knew if you where there at that level yourself.

This probably sound so daft to so many people, but I just want you to take a minute and think about what you love doing, what runs deep into your soul and makes you feel amazing, then have it slowly and painfully ripped from your finger tips, because it wasn't just like one day i couldn't do it, I could always do it, but each time i went to do a move the burning pain in my lungs became more severe, the headaches and shere breathlessness became so bad until i knew I just couldn't push myself anymore and I sat there and taught and carried on sharing my gift through verbal instruction, but i think the agony on my face was clear, teaching became torture, I couldn't do it anymore but i had to sit here and watch others do what I loved, don't get me wrong I still loved teaching but the fun was draining until I reached a point where I was to sick to even verbally instruct.

So now I convince myself I don't love it as much as I do and that's what I will continue doing, otherwise I think It might be just to painful to bare. So If your one of my students and we start to talk about pole and you can't understand why I'm so distant and unwilling, its simply because its to painful to bear anymore.

I want to leave you will some photos of me poling.

Elbow grip, holding on with just my had and elbow.

Bow and arrow


My business Logo

Twister grip hand spring, pure strength

More twisted grip fun

As you can tell this is my favorite move, the strength it takes is phenomenal


  1. Nice photos, You're clearly very talented.

    You write like you will never do it again, but I am pretty confident that you will. The hardest part is learning, and much like riding a bike I imagine you never forget how to do it. You will very soon have the strength and stamina back to re-ignite your hobby. At least you have a goal, and something you enjoy to look forward to doing again :-)

  2. You'll get back to it and your business will grow to be even bigger than it was!!

    The person above said hobby but it so obviously was never a hobby it was your life's passion and work. I get that I was too ill to do the job my degree is in and I'm slowly but surely trying to get back into it.

    V xx

  3. Heres a deal, you get better, and I will come and have some pole lessons in a fancy dress outfit for charity! I may need to lose the beer belly first though else it'll be like fat camp!

  4. That looks like a really cool front room in those top pics! ;o) lol

    Kirstie hun like Tori said you will get back into it again and your business wil be back as great as ever.... We're all here waiting for you to come back!

    Oh and I will not talk pole to you again... so as not to inadvertently upset you :o(

    See ya soon chica x

  5. Great Photos Kirstie, don't give up hope... keep believing that you can overcome this battle and once again return to your dreams. The mind is more powerful than we give it credit.
    Lisa xxx

  6. Try not to get into that mind-set where you convince yourself you don't enjoy something anymore.I did that long before my transplant,it's a coping mechanism when you're ill,but you aren't going to be that ill much longer.Hang on.

  7. I get it, I don't have an illness but at the moment my movilty is limited due to a fall 3 years back. My eldest has ASD and youngest has CF.
    What I miss most is being able to do the mummy things I can't do.

    Simply changing a nappy without taking 20 mins to get up and not be in extreme pain.
    Or go for a long walk with my eldest on a photography mission.
    I feel for you honey and keep my fingers crossed that you get your transplant and get back to it asap.
    Love the Cogans. x

  8. Don't give up dreaming, I know for a fact that your students are really missing you!!

    Once you have had your transplant you will be back on the pole doing what you love again!

    This time next year I really hope your fit, healthy and able to host an awesome event for UK Pole Dance Day! If so we will all be there to support you :-)

    Don't give up your dreams yet Kirsty!