Missing a part of me

I have decided to give you an insight into my life, something that I wasn't really ever going to share on this blog, but its such a big part of me and who I am. To understand what CF has really done you have to see what I was and what my life was before I had to give it all up. I go around pretending that I don't care that its a small part of me and it is in a way because there is so much to me and what makes me, me. I have to pretend I don't care because otherwise it hurts alot more. POLE.

I was a fitness pole dancing instructor. I lived and dreamed pole. Sometimes its still comes in to my sleep, but now its in my nightmares, the ones that remind me of it being ripped out of my life. You may be sitting there not understanding what fitness pole is, you may think its seedy. But for me, it was an art, a dance, acrobatics on a pole, a gymnastic, it was all of those rolled into one and I taught it, I shared that love with others and educated women about fitness. I don't think you can ever understand my love of pole, not even as one of my students, because at the level I was at you only knew if you where there at that level yourself.

This probably sound so daft to so many people, but I just want you to take a minute and think about what you love doing, what runs deep into your soul and makes you feel amazing, then have it slowly and painfully ripped from your finger tips, because it wasn't just like one day i couldn't do it, I could always do it, but each time i went to do a move the burning pain in my lungs became more severe, the headaches and shere breathlessness became so bad until i knew I just couldn't push myself anymore and I sat there and taught and carried on sharing my gift through verbal instruction, but i think the agony on my face was clear, teaching became torture, I couldn't do it anymore but i had to sit here and watch others do what I loved, don't get me wrong I still loved teaching but the fun was draining until I reached a point where I was to sick to even verbally instruct.

So now I convince myself I don't love it as much as I do and that's what I will continue doing, otherwise I think It might be just to painful to bare. So If your one of my students and we start to talk about pole and you can't understand why I'm so distant and unwilling, its simply because its to painful to bear anymore.

I want to leave you will some photos of me poling.

Elbow grip, holding on with just my had and elbow.

Bow and arrow

Vamp

My business Logo

Twister grip hand spring, pure strength

More twisted grip fun

As you can tell this is my favorite move, the strength it takes is phenomenal