Home and housing

As I lay there in my hospital bed, the pain starts to shoot through my left lung, Its building slowly, my breathing is getting harder. In a matter of minutes the pain has gone from a dull ache, to overwhelming agony, not today, please not today, I'm suppose to be going home. I press the buzzer, '8 out of 10 pain, I need pain meds' I can't even move now, moving only makes the pain shoot through my lungs and halt my breathing, It hurts to breath in, it hurts to breath out. My sats are low on 02, my heart rate through the roof and my temp is up. Oramorph, Mst (long lasting pain med) they don't touch it, we work our way on to IV morphine, the pain starts to ease enough for me to breath.

This way yesterday, the day I was set to go home, but once the pain had eased enough for me to move, no-one could really persuade me to stay, I had a xray to check there wasn't collapse or any wholes in my lung and there wasn't. Off home I went. We had the task of setting up my spare room as my treatment room, moving my fridge for my IVs, my chest of draws with all my medical stuff in, another small fridge I had left at my mums (for food) and my oxygen concentrator. Were basically trying to make it as easy for me to be at home as possible, by having as much stuff upstairs, I should be able to spend the best part of the day up stairs and not have to go up and down them which I found out, I really can't do unless I really have to. Which is slowly, taking a step at a time, resting every couple of steps and collapsing on the bed.

I'm getting use to all the tubing for oxygen, I find it overwhelming how much has changed and I am fully dependant on others.

This morning, I found out what the mystery pain was in my chest, that I'm having to keep on top of with the pain meds otherwise I can't move or breath. I woke up to blood, blood in my mouth. I spat it out and I continued to have a bleed, It wasn't a awful bleed, but defently the source of the pain. This and the fact of how dependant I am on people has made me question whether the sidmouth property is the right thing. We went and viewed the one next to it today. Its finished and has people living in it. Its lovely, really big, nice home and I want it I really do. But If anything were to happen to be and my mum couldn't be with me within 5 minutes, like the bleed, then id be on my own, completely. Also I really can't do anything with out anyone and i know I'm going to have a care system in place but there are times when I want to go out socialize I can't just have my mum nip and pick me up and bring me round to her, Its a lot of petrol and time running back and forth. Basically I want to stay where i am, I really like my little house and so I'm going to try try try to get a stair lift fitted. I hope my landlord will agree, as the only other options are go to sidmouth, move back to my mums with Stu and kia, or wait and wait till a possibly suitable property came up.

To be honest, I have been wondering how long Iv got left and topic I'm very honest with my self over, but find really hard to tell others, I don't think Iv got years to wait for these lungs, in fact, Id be surprised If i survived a year with these lungs. Some people may think I'm being pessimistic, I don't, I just know, that if I don't get these lungs soon I will die. There seems to be very few people who understand that and I can't blame them for not, there in denial, they don't want to think of me dying, unfortunately Its the reality I wake up with every day. So being at home and settled is my priority, I want to just be able to relax and not have to worry about this stuff anymore.

P.s catch me on ITV westcountry tonight