Monday, 14 December 2015
As I mentioned I'm currently training my video entry for pole theatre, tomorrow I record it and send it off all before 12 midday.
The video entry is judged and then it is decided if I get to compete at semi pro umoung 5 others in drama category.
This week I have not been 100% I have had temperatures and tiredness,nothing all that serious but it has left me feeling weak and a little disheartened. Although my lung function is great and I can do a lot, the one thing I really struggle with is doing a whole routine gracefully, maintaining strength through out while the whole time I am heaving for breath. I'm not saying I struggle with breathlessness because on the whole I don't, I can put most people to the test but I cannot seem to deal with this breathless feeling during routines. I guess I have to consider if all I have been through I really can do what I want? Am I just dreaming the unimaginable, reaching to far? Bound to fail all because I dreamed a little to much.
That feeling of dizziness, while your heart is pounding in your chest, while your lungs feel empty, its scary. I know why sometimes people post transplant don't want to exercise, because why would you want to feel that feeling you felt so close to death even if it is not a touch on what it was before and not the same thing, feeling remotely like that your body panics.
I wonder if after everything my body is capable of what I want to do? I really want to thing so, but after running the routine thought for the 5 th time, the lifts look weak and heavey if you make them and sometimes you just can't. The feelings of failure can become a little to daunting.
I don't want to run and hid from this, I don't want to turn my back on this dream, any thing worth having was never easy, right? Well this is definatly not easy, so it must be really worth it.