Saturday, 30 April 2011

The glass is now empty

Today I am feeling alone and bored, my life has become one where I can't do anything without people around to help, or to take me out. I literally can not live my house with out anyone. I could make it out the front door but that is as far as it goes, I have no car now She went back on wednesday, she was named lyra and she was a lime green seat Ibiza. Her lifes ambition was not being for filled with me anyway. She stayed parked up for over 3months with me to ill to drive and I have to say im still not in any fit state to drive. I cannot walk anywhere as I simply get to out of breath. So I am stuck, trapped, alone. My carers come in and my mum pops round but I still feel so alone. Everyone has gone out today, none of them thought to ask me if id like to go. I feel a third wheel in everyones life, I have no money to do anything either, as mentioned before the govement refuse to pay me any benifits and I am in a tangle of appeals and forms, giving my car back hasn't left me with any money because I don't start to recieve any until 9weeks time, thats right so for now I have £250 to my name a month which goes straight on rent and that doesnt even cover my half of the rent. Me and Stu went from being comfortable to poor, it feels so degrading, counting pennys to buy some squash.

I feel so empty today, the glass doesnt even feel half empty It feels like it has all gone. I don't want people to tell me to keep my chin up today, why? why should I? I want to be down and grumpy, surely I am allowed that?

I even put up a facebook status saying 'If anyones free today, who doesn't mind that my company requires oxygen and lugging a wheel chair round? Im totally fed up and need to get out the house' replys 0 feeling loved much, no.

Also I have now been on the transplant list one month yesterday, Im not even sure how I feel about that.
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10 comments:

  1. Tori30 April 2011 at 05:22

    Hey

    Yes have a down day and feel sorry for yourself but pick yourself up tomorrow or else you'll drown in it!!

    I lost a lot of friends when I was on the transplant list, it's so easy for people to forget because they have their own lives to live. Just keep reminding people you're still here and want to keep living!!

    I would take you out if I could!!

    V xx

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  2. Dawn30 April 2011 at 05:23

    (((Kirstie)))

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  3. Emma30 April 2011 at 07:22

    Do you have a webcam? Skype isn't the same but it's a way you could have people "with" you when all else fails.

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  4. Lisa30 April 2011 at 07:50

    You are most definitely allowed a down day.Tomorrow is new day xxx

    Your task today is to find your fave pole pic and I will try draw it for you, I am in no fit state to go out myself either today, also feeling grumpy. I would like to try make you smile x Lisa xxx

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  5. Anonymous 30 April 2011 at 08:13

    Sending you hugs! You are definitely allowed a down day. I hope tomorrow is brighter for you x

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  6. Anonymous30 April 2011 at 08:49

    Sending you (((huge hugs))) and much love. Bit housebound myself so partly understand your situation, but not waiting for transplant. I hope someone responds that can take you out. Barbs xxxx

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  7. Oli Lewington30 April 2011 at 13:16

    Hey Kirstie,

    I totally remember the feelings you're going through right now and I know just how hard it is. When I stopped being able to do things with my friends it really hit me hard.

    You're totally right, you're perfectly entitled to have a down day, to have a moan and a gripe, to express yourself however you feel.

    All I'd say is that the glass is never empty. It may be half empty, or only have a dash of liquid left at the bottom, but it's never truly empty. As long as there are people in the world who love you and care about you (just read the replies to this post for evidence of that) you're glass will always be wettened.

    Sending lots of love and as much support as I can from afar.

    x

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  8. James_R5D41 May 2011 at 03:45

    Sorry to read things aren't going great for you at the moment :-( I hope it's just a blip for you and that you will feel a bit more possitive tomorrow :-) I know it's only words, rather than someone there actually helping you, but, cheer up luv :-) xx

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  9. Anonymous2 May 2011 at 05:06

    Hey,

    Not sure how much this help but just thought it might be nice for you to know that a random blog reader who you don't even know is reading what you're saying. You seem to have so much enthusiasm for life and getting though what you're dealing with that you will make tommorrow a better day :)

    Take care and keep posting! I really enjoy reading :)

    Alex, Birmingham UK

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  10. lilmac9115 March 2012 at 17:36

    you are absolutely allowed to have a "down day"! nothing wrong w/ that, i think we all deserve it from time to time :)

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