Today I feel so drained, emotionally physically. Things are not going how I want them to. I feel the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and even that feels like it would be enough to weigh down my breathing alone. Sleep is not smooth and doesn't bring the break from life that i need at the moment. There is no down time, no calm. The struggle feels relentless. I feel.............scared, scared to go home, I feel it looming on me and it scares me, I'm worried I won't cope at home on my own, I know I have Stu there, but when hes working I'm alone, my mum is my carer but i feel guilty calling on her, so often, so i feel alone and theres no one to help me with the general day to day things. Like getting up, cleaning, cooking. If there is no-one there to help i feel simply to weak to. I feel so lost in this body of mine, when did the simple act of living become so hard. At the same time as wanting to stay here and let people help me, I feel so desperate for home. I want my home comforts, I want my Stu, I want my puppy dog. I crave a cuddle form my crinkle cut pup so much and miss her smell, its a a nice puppy smell, I always think she smells amazing apart from when she farts lol. Thinking about her is actually bringing me to tears. Its so silly, but shes with me so much of the time I feel rather lost without her, we know each other so well, she truly is the best companion. I worry she will forget where her home is, she stays with my nan and grandad when I'm in hosp. Will she forget me, will she want to stay there with them, what if she doesn't love me anymore.
Oh the sadness is coming to the surface now, I long for home, for the simple pleasures, I long to have a bath, to wash away the sadness. I somehow feel a good bath will sometimes do that. I may ask my nurse if theres a bath on the adjoining ward I can use. Perhaps a good soak will ease my mind tonight and let me drift off to sleep to a perfect world, where I am not ill, I am not in hospital, but I am with my amazing fiance and beautiful pup and my heart can stop aching for them.
Tomorrow I hope to wake and feel less sad, I wont wake and feel magically better but the sadness is only temporary.
you are an amazing young lady Kirstie and I hope you know just how many people you have on your side. I'm not just here for you in a professional capacity, I think of you as a friend too. Chin up and I hope tonight brings you the rest you need and tomorrow is a better day xx
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how much effort it must take just to get through each day Kirstie. Stay positive, sounds like you have great support around you.
ReplyDeleteI lost a close school friend to CF about 12 years ago. He rejected the transplant option and spent a lot of time at Harefield. I think your attitude is amazing and the work you are doing which will raise awareness is inspring.
Fab blog x
hey kristie - i have been following your blog for a little while now and this post really hit close to home for me. i recently just came home from the hospital because i was just too lonely in there. i like you, wanted to comforts of home, my own bath and shower, and most of all my puppy. my puppy Chloe is my best companion as well and i know how lonely and sad it can be without them. although chloe doesn't speak - she automatically knows when i am not feeling well and is even more of a cuddle bug than ever. being home now a week and a half i am torn whether i should go back to the hospital. i am on three iv antibiotics, iv fluids and iv steroids - i am hooked up over 12 hours a day. i have absolutely zero energy to do anything for myself, especially cook food. it is so hard. i really think you need to just to what will be best for yourself mentally and physically. stay strong. i know things can get really hard at times - but hopefully they will turn around. if you need to vent please feel free to vent to me!
ReplyDeleteMorning honey..... I'm so sorry that u feel so sad this morning, I understand the longing for all ur comforts around u, just the simple things that people take for granted just sitting on the sofa in the privacy of ur own home having a snuggle!!!
ReplyDeleteU need to try and think positive babe I know it's so hard wen ur feeling so low but ur a fighter and u can get over this!!
Thinking of u sweetness, chin up
Emma
Xxx
You're a such an inspirational! I think you should do a book or something because I honestly believe that it would sell out fast and worldwide as you're a such a fighter! Hang in there Kirstie! I really HOPE! you get well soon and also try and think of the positive! :-)
ReplyDeleteI felt sad for how you were feeling after reading this post. Don't be afraid, feel guilty or ashamed to ask those close to you for help. I am sure they would do their utmost to help in whatever way they can. You only have to ask.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget your puppy, once he is a bit older, get him to do the ironing!
Dave
You got your bath yay! Which is great as otherwise you would of made my car smell! Stay smiley missy... I'll see you tomorrow x
ReplyDeleteSending you tons of love...
ReplyDelete