Lung Power, Letter, Doc in america

So Sunday morning I drove to London after 3hours sleep. Yes I’m not sleeping very well, I think it’s down to not wanting to miss a second of what’s going on. Tonight I can't sleep for 2 reasons, 1 my doc is about to air in America under the title Breathless bride Dying to Live and the other is I have badly injured my knee at my first ever gymnastics class. Anyway ill come back to that. So I drove to London for a photo shoot for LLTGL with the lovely Emily Thackeray, lots of fun jumping around a field all day.

No the picture we will be using but one they let me have as it was quit cool and funny.

So anyway from there I drove to my Dads in preparation for clinic at harefield the next day. I was very nervous and was extremely worried I would be keep in. My lung function had dropped by 13% due to a nasty cold that actually had me stuck in bed for a whole day, the first time since leaving harefield straight after TX.

Anyway off I went, I had only brought one pair of knickers I was that determined not to stay in. Got the and did lung function and it was my highest ever!!!! 94% and 104% that’s a 7% increase and 12% increase on what was suppose to be my base line. The previous month I was told it wasn't going to go up anymore, which was fine as it was fab anyway. Now it’s amazing. I’m so happy about it. Beaming I went to leave. On the way out I saw Brian, he’s a doctor I hadn't seen since ITU, lovely guy with a slight Irish accent. I tried to wind him up in my more awake chirpier moments. There was an occasion when he told me he had to look in my eyes at which I replied 'is it because there so beautiful' he replied 'ohhh no it because there’s something wrong with them' he didn't get that I was obviously joking and the whole team of nurse and doctors stood there wetting there selves. He clicked and said that yes I had lovely eyes. Anyway I got to chat with him, I wondered if he would recognise me and he said of course he did, but he was surprised I recognised him! He wasn't the one who had changed lol. We talked over my ITU time, he said he had never seen someone as sick as me and hasn't since. That it would be very hard to walk in to my room when I was so depressed. I said it was hard to have to spend so much time with myself, I couldn't bare how I felt and wished I could have left the room.

We also talked about the time when I was trying to tell everyone I had had enough, He said there would have been a discussion if they had known I was saying that, I’m soooo glad they didn't know. Just imagine n a parallel world they did and they turned the machines off. Maybe somewhere I don't exist anymore. Have you ever wondered about parallel your’s maybe my depression was also me getting over loosing a part of me in another world. Sounds silly but I always wonder. I’m glad I’m in this world anyway and that I am ME.
It was great talking to him, I love being able to show people how I am now and that it partly because of them, that must be amazing for them, right. Knowing you changed someone’s life that much. That is huge. So I thanked him, shock his hand and left with a great fat smile on my face.

The letter, I finally did it, I handed it in. Somewhere my donor’s family could be reading it. I hope it says everything I need to and everything I want to convey. I hope it has just the right amount about how I’m doing with out rubbing it in there face. I hope it shows I feel there lose to. I think about them every day and hope they are OK. I hope my donor is safe in heaven, with all the other angels. I wonder if they will reply. A part of me would like them to, but only if it’s right for them of course. I don't want to be the cause of pain for them. I just want them to be OK. It really saddens me thinking of there lose, of my donor. I have the wish to just fix it, but I can't. It’s deeply frustrating.

I think I will leave the blog there. It would feel wrong to talk about anything else now.