I did two hours yesterday and felt really happy with what I learnt, I wasn't able to do one move due to my abdominal not being quite strong enough yet. I was a little bit annoyed with this, I know I'm probably stronger in my deltoids, biceps, triceps, lats and pecs but i didn't realise my abdominal were lacking slightly, I felt like they were really strong, but its good as I now know what i have to work on, so I will get working hard on them to build them up. My instructor Helen, I meet her two years ago when I tried aerial silks, I remember my exact lung function that day 22% I remember how out of breath I was, I wasn't on oxygen at this point but felt a desperate need for it, My muscles achieved all the things i wanted them to but at a serious price, I was so ill that night, I had a temperature and felt just really sick. Helen said she was very worried teaching me then, I was so slim and looked soooo ill. She noted how fit and well I was looking and said I was very fit now, I feel so happy about this, I really feel I'm getting to where I want to be post TX. I'm achieving all the things Iv wanted to do and I'm enjoying life.
I remember a couple months post TX i was sitting around thinking my life's not going anywhere fast enough, Well it wasn't suppose to at that point, I'm always trying to run before I can walk but I'm feel I'm finally getting there now. My targets will always change, I always move the posts so I'm constantly pushing myself, but this is when I'm most happy. At least I'm on the right path now. I'm achieving the things I was always meant to, becoming the person I always wanted to be.
Its great I'm constantly learning new things about myself, things I was never able to realise before as I simple wasn't able to do things.
I only have one part of my life that feels somewhat empty, friends. I feel very lonely in terms of friends and I don't know if its my fault or not. Am I simply not reaching out enough. I see students all the time and i feel that most have become my friends but I seem to not be socialising with them outside the studio. Also the cf community, I feel like somewhat of an outsider now, that my health withdraws me from that part of my life, that maybe my health is somewhat being waved in there faces. There are only a few cf people that I feel I really connect with now. It feels like now I'm well people think iv forgot, iv forgotten that sick feeling, that feeling of being stuck and restricted, of struggling everyday. I haven't believe me. I remember every day. I still have the night mares.
The other CF friends I use to mix with and socialise with, I can't see anymore as they are a risk to me, I miss them. I really do. I feel like I can't fill my duty as a friend that they did for me when I was sick. I was wheeled to the canteen by my cf friends and they would come over and make me cups of tea, now there quit sick and I can't do anything. There feels like something deeply unfair about that. The kind of person that likes to run around and help.
I'm also currently studying, Yay! I'm doing my ETM exercise to music which means i will be further qualified as an instructor and able to teach other fitness class's, I'm hoping in a couple years time i will be able to develop a teaching programme for aerial art, when I'm good enough at it, so Iv given myself a long time period to achieve this. IMO also now first aid qualified and hoping to be PDC approved (pole dance community)
The valentines day bake sale, I will uploads pics later in the week, but from 2 bake sales Me and my helpers raise £283 :-) a blog on the bake sale to come.
Sounds like you are still very busy, Im sorry you are feeling lonely, I know 'online' friends are not the same, but I hope that the love you get from this blog gives some comfort.
ReplyDeleteIts such a difficult illness. Sparkles and love X
you're so impressive!!
ReplyDeletelots of love <3
I have the same feeling about friends lovely. All mine are married or in relationships and just don't socialise, they forget that I need to do that to meet someone and I feel like I'm constantly begging people to do things or I'm stuck in on my own!! Finding friends to hang out with is the hardest thing in the world I think but like I said before I'm always here if you need to chat xx
ReplyDeleteKirstie, I sometimes feel like that and when I do, I tend to feel very bad about my self, because I feel that person dosn't want to be with me my anymore, but you don't have to feel like I do, you should try to stay as positive as you can in life, even though life can be a pain sometimes. I also hope your arial hoops go well.
ReplyDeleteHarry W
I've always felt like an outsider to the CF lot, so it's not just a post tx thing. Its a niggling feeling though feeling like you don't fit. It's a shame all those rules and things stop post/pre tx from meeting up properly, but you don't have you loose them completely. It's not quite the same but you can write letters/send cards etc just to let them know you're thinking of them and give them something to smile about, it's always lovely getting a handwritten letter :) Glad you're checking more things off your list! xxx
ReplyDeleteKirstie it must be difficult for them to talk to you as you (quite rightly) are coming along in leaps and bounds and feel so proud (as you should, you are a real life inspiration). I am a non cf bronchiectasis sufferer(amongst other illnesses) and have been no where near as ill as you, I respect you for every single wonderful achievement and it cheers my heart to look at what you have done and what are about to do.But if you visited me in Hospital and told me of what you were doing it might not help me, I might even get a bit depressed as you are so vital and so lovely and healthy looking. I will never have the opportunity for a transplant even if I was on deaths door, mostly due to my advanced age but also because ( quite rightly there will be many younger people out there needing lungs, CF sufferers) and they will have to be sorted first. I think if you visited cf sufferers in hospital and just held their hand you would have many many friends who will adore you.Remember, as you know so well, there are not enough lungs/hearts available and there will be many CFs who will have "run out of time" and need comforting. I am sorry that you feel so lonely but do understand, I feel the same, I can't be cured, there is only a slow slide into a worse health situation with no hope for a reversal. So try not to be sad and carry on as you are, you have many admirers out here and you are doing a brilliant job. bubbly xx
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful young lady. You are an inspiration to many. I wish you the best in life and hope all of your wildest dreams come true. :-)
ReplyDelete- Thinking of you from the USA.
Stay Strong Kirstie. <3
Hey everyone I have made a concious effort over the last week with friends. unfortunatly i think some relationships have gone f
ReplyDeletedown the pan but others are much better. x
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ReplyDelete