Sunday, 19 February 2012
Goals, Achivements and the missing factor
So I have started t learn aerial hoop, as you will see its one of the things on my list of things to do post transplant. here are some pictures.
I did two hours yesterday and felt really happy with what I learnt, I wasn't able to do one move due to my abdominal not being quite strong enough yet. I was a little bit annoyed with this, I know I'm probably stronger in my deltoids, biceps, triceps, lats and pecs but i didn't realise my abdominal were lacking slightly, I felt like they were really strong, but its good as I now know what i have to work on, so I will get working hard on them to build them up. My instructor Helen, I meet her two years ago when I tried aerial silks, I remember my exact lung function that day 22% I remember how out of breath I was, I wasn't on oxygen at this point but felt a desperate need for it, My muscles achieved all the things i wanted them to but at a serious price, I was so ill that night, I had a temperature and felt just really sick. Helen said she was very worried teaching me then, I was so slim and looked soooo ill. She noted how fit and well I was looking and said I was very fit now, I feel so happy about this, I really feel I'm getting to where I want to be post TX. I'm achieving all the things Iv wanted to do and I'm enjoying life.
I remember a couple months post TX i was sitting around thinking my life's not going anywhere fast enough, Well it wasn't suppose to at that point, I'm always trying to run before I can walk but I'm feel I'm finally getting there now. My targets will always change, I always move the posts so I'm constantly pushing myself, but this is when I'm most happy. At least I'm on the right path now. I'm achieving the things I was always meant to, becoming the person I always wanted to be.
Its great I'm constantly learning new things about myself, things I was never able to realise before as I simple wasn't able to do things.
I only have one part of my life that feels somewhat empty, friends. I feel very lonely in terms of friends and I don't know if its my fault or not. Am I simply not reaching out enough. I see students all the time and i feel that most have become my friends but I seem to not be socialising with them outside the studio. Also the cf community, I feel like somewhat of an outsider now, that my health withdraws me from that part of my life, that maybe my health is somewhat being waved in there faces. There are only a few cf people that I feel I really connect with now. It feels like now I'm well people think iv forgot, iv forgotten that sick feeling, that feeling of being stuck and restricted, of struggling everyday. I haven't believe me. I remember every day. I still have the night mares.
The other CF friends I use to mix with and socialise with, I can't see anymore as they are a risk to me, I miss them. I really do. I feel like I can't fill my duty as a friend that they did for me when I was sick. I was wheeled to the canteen by my cf friends and they would come over and make me cups of tea, now there quit sick and I can't do anything. There feels like something deeply unfair about that. The kind of person that likes to run around and help.
I'm also currently studying, Yay! I'm doing my ETM exercise to music which means i will be further qualified as an instructor and able to teach other fitness class's, I'm hoping in a couple years time i will be able to develop a teaching programme for aerial art, when I'm good enough at it, so Iv given myself a long time period to achieve this. IMO also now first aid qualified and hoping to be PDC approved (pole dance community)
The valentines day bake sale, I will uploads pics later in the week, but from 2 bake sales Me and my helpers raise £283 :-) a blog on the bake sale to come.