When I was very sick and on Ecmo and ventilation, heavily sedated my mum said 'you know what to do if you want a kiss from Stu, just pucker up' and we did, I though that was going to be my last ever kiss with my husband. A truly sad moment, I could feel the pain rip through my heart as all I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms. We kiss every day and I don't take one kiss for granted.
Now here's the letter I wrote to Stu on 9th of march this year, in preparation of me not making it. Stu will be blogging on it in the next 2days, but is currently a little stuck for words.
To My Dear Stuart,
As I sit here, I'm in hospital it’s the week before we go to harefield for our 3day appointment. I say ours, because it will determine how our lives will be lived from now. We know my health is at a stage where I have a 50% chance of surviving. In writing this in case things didn’t go to plan sweetie. I'm not here. This doesn’t make me sad for me, I'm sad for you because I love you and worry how you will cope now. I'm not going to tell you how to grieve, this is your part to do, You can grieve for me as you like, Iv got to say though I'm glad I'm not the one grieving. I couldn’t cope if it were you leaving me. I hope in time it will become easier, that you will always have a place in your heart for me but maybe one day you will have a space for someone else to? I hope you are happy in life and that you live it to the full for me, take chances, risks, do all the things you thought you couldn’t, go on holidays, spend time with friends and family. I know my nan will probably look after kia, because of your work, but if that changes please look after our little girl. She loves her daddy and would love to live with you if she can. If not then make sure you still see her, she would be very sad if she thought you didn’t love her anymore.
Just know I never wanted to leave you, I love you to the end of the earth, you have been my rock so far and I don’t doubt you were right up until the end. I want you to know being with you has been the happiest days of my life, I wish we could have got to the other side of transplant and enjoyed that time together to but I'm just glad you were in my life for as long as you have been.
I don’t know if this letter helps in anyway.
Love now and forever,
Kirstie
This letter was written with the thought that I really wasn't going to make it, I did many things like this.
Kristie each of your blogs brings a tear to my eye, but this one especially. I'm so glad you pulled through. and I wish you a happy birthday, and many, many more!
ReplyDeleteKirstie, thank you so much for this blog, for Stu allowing you to post such a personal letter. I have been following your story for the last few months, from when you first appeared on our local news on your amazing wedding day, willing your transplant to happen, really believing it would, knowing what post transplant life can be like after such a horrendous struggle.
ReplyDeleteThat's because my dear dear husband did get to see life post transplant and together we had an amazing 15 extra years together, though the latter years were tinged with ill health, but we were blessed to have the most gorgeous little boy together.
My husband, like you, was a real inspiration to so many people, fought so hard to live life to the fullest, when the simplest of tasks were so tough.
Sadly, my beautiful husband passed away suddenly in the early hours of 7th August and has left me totally heartbroken, not knowing which way to turn.
That is why I thank you so much, as this letter you wrote to your gorgeous husband, when you had time to think about 'not being here' is something my husband never managed to do for me, but what you have written, I can hear coming from his mouth too - he was so devoted to both myself and our little boy, it was this devotion that drove him to fight so hard to live life.
I'm really sorry if this is not appropriate for your blog and if you can delete the message and feel you wish to, then I will not be offended, but I really do love following your story, I so support Organ donation and will continue with every breath in my body to give what ever support to promoting organ donation and Cystic Fibrosis as both have consumed the last 24 years of my life one way or another.
Happy 22nd Birthday and here's to so many more living life to the fullest... you deserve it!
Love,
Sue xxx
Dear Kirstie
ReplyDeleteSo glad to know that this letter was not your last words to your husband.
Hope your 22nd Birthday was great,& I am so happy that you can look forward to many more yet to come:)
I will be celebrating myself on the 4oct as I will have been breathing with new lungs for one year.
Respect to my donor & his family, this is a year I wouldn't have seen without his gift.
Hey kirstie
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you have been able to celebrate your birthday and are so much more healthy.
You are a beautiful inspiration for all woman around and your letter to your love was so heartfelt it really made me have goosebumps I am so glad that you and your husband have been able to stay with each other and you both deserve so much happiness and joy and just everything amazing really. My grandad got ill 8 years ago and as soon as I could I got on the organ donor register and after seeing your blog and you on tv I am so glad I did, I will never take myself off of it now. Keep enjoying life and party and going on lots of walks with Kia your blog is in my bookmarks and I always look for new news .
Sorry if I've said anything wrong
Dear Kirstie, My close friend (who I think of more as a little sister) has CF too. She is 18 and has just gone away to Uni in Scotland. She's back this weekend cos her chest is bad and needs to start her IV's. I read your article in the Daily Mail and this is how I found your blog. Im sending you the biggest kisses and hugs cos I know how awful this can be for friends and family. Lots of love xxxx
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday :-) All the best and keep on enjoying life to the full :-) x
ReplyDelete