I just want to go home

I feel no need to stay here anymore, there is nothing more the hospital can do for me. They want me to stay, but I see no point. I'm just another person clogging up the Nhs. They agree with me that there is nothing more treatment wise they can do in the hospital, I'm already receiving everything I can at home, I have all the care I need, all the drugs. So I might as well be in the comfort of my own home until other treatment options open there selves up to me.

My breathlessness is far worse then ever, I feel like my hearts going to explode under the strain. Every time I need the loo, I take my 02 off and rush to the loo and come back ready to collapse. Its just easier that way, I'm to weak to carry the 02 cylinder and to desperate for a wee to mess about. At least in my home i have 02 all around the house.

The bi-pap, It is a god send when your simply so breathless you've forgotten how to breath, Its hard to put on when your in a mess like that but when you do, the rest is so nice. When I take it off I feel like iv suddenly forgotten how to breath, then I realise that's how I always breath and its just really poor now. It allows me to sleep alot better, but I feel Iv deteriorated since being in here and could do with the pressures raising already.

Its strange when you see the concern in your doctors face, I simply try to replace it with my chipper Wit and I can usually see it disappear to the back ground but it never goes. I wonder whether the same concern lingers in my face, but clouded by my positive attitude.

It was mentioned to me the other day 'I know your in a bad place at the moment and your angry' this shocked me you know, yea I have moments of anger and why me but I would never describe myself as being in a bad place, in fact the opposite, I feel positive and at peace with everything. Yes this is shit, but I'm going to get through it and I will be so much stronger for it and that is why it is me, because I can cope with this.

A bit more media work, I was on the front page of my local Tuesday, fronting the organ donation campaign Article 1, then Wednesday Article 2 and finally Saturday Article 3. So as you can see a solid campaign in the southwest. I'm also going to be in a documentary for BBC3 on transplant and organ donation if all goes to plan. There has been some solid campaigning from all my facebook friends over the last week and live life and give life have put some great campaigns out which Sarah brown (Gordon Browns wife) re tweeted.

I'm also wedding central at the moment, planning and double checking as the big day is a month away!!

So Ill leave it there for now, hopefully i will be home when I write my next blog.