Sunday, 27 March 2011

Scared and alone

I feel the need to write, like some how it will erase my mind and the thoughts will stop. I don't feel brave tonight, I feel alone, I miss Stu and my Mum I wish one of them was here to cuddle me to sleep and tell me its all OK, that we will get through this, sometimes I can't always be Strong for everyone and tonight this is one of those night. I don't feel like I'm getting better, just plodding along in the mess and nothing will ever get better only worse. I hate that cf is at the for corner of my every thought and every status update is about how ill I feel. I hate that I have no good news, that i feel utterly rubbish and desperate. I can't write anymore. So totally alone in this hospital room. Don't get me wrong tomorrow I will wake and I will be ready to face the world again, strong and determined, but tonight I'm taking a break.
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29 comments:

  1. Cam Waite27 March 2011 at 13:40

    I think I speak for everyone reading when I say we are all there behind you. <3 like you say when tonight is over you will feel better in the morning, you're an inspiration to us all!

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  2. Nigel Kinbrum27 March 2011 at 13:52

    {{{{{Kirstie}}}}}

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  3. Leah27 March 2011 at 13:54

    I went to bed thinking about you and your blog Kirstie, and I thought of it when I woke up too, such was the impact your story has made on me.

    We aren't anywhere near as good as Stu or your Mum, but I hope knowing people everywhere are thinking of you and rooting for you and wishing they could help somehow, will at least give you a little comfort through the night.

    Hang in there xx

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  4. Sarah27 March 2011 at 14:04

    You are gathering supporters as you go, love is with you, I put a link on my fb. It will help others to understand you if you tell us that as well as being strong so often you also feel that you need help sometimes
    hugs xx

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  5. Susan27 March 2011 at 14:17

    ((((hugs)))) x

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  6. Emma27 March 2011 at 14:25

    Honey I hate the thought of u feeling alone and scared.... It's funny how in hospital u have hundreds of people around u but not one of them are a comfort!! I always feel wen we r in hosp for a while that life is going on around u and ur life is just stood still.... If it's any consolation I totally understand how u feel.... All we think about is how we can keep Millie well enough and infection free just incase we get the CALL!!!! Which is has proved to b quite tricky over the winter!
    Try and shut ur eyes and try to relax and ur right tomorrow is another day!!
    I've got so attached to u and become addicted to ur blog and have told so many people about ur story i can't tell u enough that all the hard work ur doing is so amazing....I think about u all the time! Wishing u a restful night honey sweet dreams xxxx

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  7. Tori27 March 2011 at 14:28

    I hate when people say I speak for everyone when I say blah blah, sorry that just annoys me!!

    I remember feeling this way lovely and like you said these thoughts are just lingering here a little longer because your alone and in hospital, tomorrow is a new day and will hopefully look a little brighter because tomorrow you are officially on the LIST!!! How exciting!! I really hope your call comes much quicker than mine xx

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  8. Anonymous27 March 2011 at 15:06

    Being brave isn't about not getting scared - it's about carrying on fighting regardless, and you're doing that. Hoping you're feeling less alone v soon sweetie, LLTGL and so many others are right behind you. Emily xxx

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  9. Rich Benson27 March 2011 at 15:39

    Hey, I hope by now you are asleep and getting some well earned rest.

    Seeing as you wouldn't accept any money, I have bought you a present to help cheer you up a little bit, and help you raise awareness. It's a domain name! It will make it easier for people to link to you, or at least remember your site address to pass on as word of mouth!

    It is www.2ndchanceatlife.co.uk. You don't have to use it, but it's there if you want it. It's already up and running and pointing right at your blog!

    Take it easy, and have a good kip :)

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  10. Unknown27 March 2011 at 18:21

    Kirstie, Sarah Box put me onto your blog, and I have to say, you are an amazing person. I'm an Emergency Nurse in Australia, and unforetunately I seem to see the not so good side of post transplant behaviour, ie those that abuse the organs that they have been given. I know that this is a skewed view that I recieve, but... Reading your blog, and reading your lung functions really brought it home to me. I had lung function testing done last year, and I have to say, I've taken my good lung fuctions for granted. But no more. A bout of pnemonia, where I struggled to breathe for only a few days, I can only imagine what you've lived through. Your attitude is fantastic, and I truely hope that you get the lung transplant that you need.

    I've been down as an organ donor for years, as is pretty much all of my family. But I know of so many who are not, and I really applaud you and increasing people's awareness.

    Hoping you're feeling better in the morning.
    Jacinta

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  11. Paul27 March 2011 at 20:55

    Even the strongest of us, at times, we break and need others around us. There's not a lot I can do from halfway around the world lol.

    So yeah I extend my arms and I'll give you a virtual hug... My flatmate is now looking at me wondering why I'm hugging the monitor...

    You've changed worlds, many worlds, my world. You have changed the way we live our lives and have inspired so much within our hearts.

    You have given us more strength than you realise and now its time for us to be there for you. So how about we all go down to that there hospital of yours and give you a great big hug?

    :-D

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  12. Dawn28 March 2011 at 00:58

    Hello Kirstie,

    I'm another new follower who heard of your blog via Sarah. I've sat and read your blog this morning and I must say you are an absolute inspiration to everyone. Your strength and determination is incredible and even when you say you are 'taking a break' from being brave, you don't realise how brave you still are!

    I hope you are feeling better this morning. I will be following your progress & wishing you well xx

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  13. Paul28 March 2011 at 04:03

    Hey Kirstie,

    I saw your story on Russell Howard and thought it's amazing what you do, and the decisions you've made about your engagement and organ donation.

    As i'm sure you've been told before you're an absolute inspiration and braver than you give yourself credit for.

    Chin up, the whole country's behind you now, since your story went out on TV.

    I really wish you all the best, ill keep following the blog until you're better

    Paul
    x

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  14. lulu28 March 2011 at 05:37

    Hun I remember that feeling...its good that you utilise your blog in a cathartic way. It doesn't really matter what readers think about your chosen words...this is your platform babe go for it! The link below is an article I wrote about my blogging journey for therapy:

    http://www.adorigraphics.com/2010/11/d-o-uolq.html

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  15. David28 March 2011 at 09:10

    Hi Kirstie, I also saw your story on Russell Howard's Good News and I wanted to tell you that you're an absolute inspiration. I hope that you feel better soon and look to the future, you seem like an absolutely amazing person and I wish you all the best :)

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  16. Anonymous28 March 2011 at 09:29

    what you are going through would destroy most people but not you. you have shown amazing courage by showing on russel howards show and because of that you have the respect and reverance that is due to you. i may only be twelve but i understand that what you are going through is worse than anything i can imagine and if i was in your shoes i couldnt cope. you are an inspiration for people all over the country. we are all behind you in this and are willing you to get better.

    will

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  17. Anonymous28 March 2011 at 11:17

    So sorry for how you are feeling. Stay strong. You are an inspiration. xxx

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  18. Little Harriet28 March 2011 at 12:35

    Wish I could find the words to make you feel better. You are in my thoughts and I'm sending non buggy hugs.

    x

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  19. Anonymous28 March 2011 at 14:08

    Good Luck... Have seen many of my CF friends go through transplants... so hang in there, keep believing... it'll happen...

    Hoping for you with all my heart - Geoff, AWCF.

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  20. Anonymous28 March 2011 at 15:32

    hey i was watching russell howard's good news the other day just wanted to let you know im praying for you, hang in there :)

    JP xx

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  21. Lisa Marie Olson29 March 2011 at 01:36

    Oh Kirstie, you don't have to be strong all the time and put on a brave face for everyone... this is happening to you and you are without doubt allowed to feel scared and in need of cuddles. I really feel for you and wish there was something I could do for you. All I can say is hang on in there, you will get through this and I am sending you a massive virtual hug... here it goes my cuddly arms are wrapped right around you this minute, coming in for a big squeeze. Hope things change for you very soon my lovely :) xxxxxxxx

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  22. Hannah29 March 2011 at 14:27

    Hi Kirstie,
    Thinking of you and sending lots of love. Watched you on TV and thought you were amazing and looked amazing too - no mean feat when you are not feeling well.

    Was good to see Nick too, he was my doc for a bit - about ten years ago. He had hair then!

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  23. Woody30 March 2011 at 01:00

    Hang in there Kirstie, keep fighting xxx

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  24. Anonymous30 March 2011 at 08:26

    Hey best of luck.

    just linked your blog in mine.

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  25. Lisa Marie Olson30 March 2011 at 09:23

    Hi Kirstie hope your feeling better today any news yet? xxx

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  26. Anonymous30 March 2011 at 13:48

    Hi Kirstie,
    I have just read your whole blog and wish i could express myself as well as you do. My doggy is sitting at my feet and he sends you lots of slobbery doggy kisses.
    I will look forward to your next entry but also hope that you are not able to blog for a while as you have had your call.
    Lots of love

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  27. Dawn6 April 2011 at 06:01

    Well I thought I'd check back to see how you're doing and it's been a while since your last post so I am also hoping - as suggested by the poster before me - that it is good news and that you have had your phone call. If so, I hope all has gone smoothly and successfully.

    Best wishes x

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  28. Anonymous13 April 2011 at 07:02

    hi sweety im from plymouth i have been following ur story and all i can say is ur a star i realy hope u get through all this and marry ur man ur a very brave lady and i would love to read in the future how well ur doing, god bless sweety and keep fighting ,,john

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  29. Anonymous15 April 2011 at 06:54

    hi iv read some of ur blog but had to stop, good luck i so hope u get the call, 4 new lungs,keep fighting, my dear son lost his fight to cf, couldnt go on transplant list, big hugs jackie x

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