Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Fundo operation anxiety and fear

I've talked about the fundo operation im suppose to be having Here

Well they rang up the other week and left a voice message saying I can have it as early as the next week, suddenly the fear that had been niggling inside me hit, I couldn't bring myself to ring and still haven't. Thoughts swimming around my head and an all mighty no just keeps screaming out over it all.

I guess you might think me pretty silly, it's just a little op right? well no, like I said in my previous blog mine may very well not be and this was again reiterated in the letter I received about the consultation and it really put across just how much they don't think this is going to be simple. Nothing in my life has ever been simple, from treatments, operations and obviously my transplant (not that in any case is it simple but you get what I mean). I just don't think I can face waking up and hearing them tell me it went wrong. I can't face that feeling of the unknown again. I don't want the new scars either dotted across my abdomen or sliced right through the middle, I may have lots and I'm fine with them, iv come to terms with them in time but I just don't want to have to. The recovery scares me so much, I know in comparison to learning to walk and talk it will be nothing but when you've just built everything back up to somewhere, where you feel strong healthy again, to have any incisions in my abs will also halt my pole progress and training. it feels pretty soul destroying to be knocked back down. How many times can I keep getting up? I know some people may think me silly but all these anxieties from my transplant flood back when I think about it and its something I'm just not sure I'm ready for?

I decided to mention it to my cf nurse the other day when I was up there and ended up in tears feeling very panicky and having to calm myself before I went into a panic attack. I asked to see the phycologist to see if I can put myself in a place where I'm ready and I also have an appointment at Harefield Monday, routine clinic, where I will discuss necessity and other options (if there are any) the last thing I want to do is risk my health, but while my reflux has calmed and not posing Immediate danger to my lungs, I want to weigh up all the options and prepare myself a little more if this is the only way.

I'm just hoping there is some other way. I tried to be strong and just get on with it but I couldn't.





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9 comments:

  1. You are the STRONGEST to have gotten where you are so far! Sounds like you are taking the steps you need to take, to be able to face this, and work thru your anxieties. Hang in there girl! (Hugs)

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  2. I watched your programme and was touched my little boy has cf and is three we had rough two years he has pirtocath and regular ivs and hospital stays but is sooo happy you are an inspiration !!?you sre very strong you can do this x lorraine friel

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  3. I'm sending you lots of support from Los Angeles. Each day you are an inspiration, and I wish you only healthy, healing thoughts. Be Strong!!

    Lori

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    1. Thank you, I'm hoping to go to LA in September :-)

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    2. I would love to meet you when you're here in September!

      Lori

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  4. My heart goes out to you Kirstie, all you have said is spot on.I don't know if it would help but there must be statistics. I don't think so myself, having gone through what you already have I believe that you will know in your heart when or if you need or will need this op. I have reflux, SVTs,Atrial fibrillation,and experienced bpm of 200+, our lung problems seem to cause these related cardiac problems. I wish you the very best with all that you do, including this harrowing decision,loads of love,Kelvin

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  5. hello, my name is Emma and i am getting the fundo operation in may and was wondering if you could tell me how it goes with you after you have had it done? you are an insperation and i know you will pull through it!xoxoxoxo
    my email: emmi_marree@hotmail.com
    once again i hope that you op goes well!!!

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