Thursday, 13 October 2016
A short trip to ITU
Sunday last week, my friend Amy traveled up to see me all the way from Devon, we chatter for a bit but then I had a little doze as I usually do because my body is working so hard. Then I started to get fever I get several times a day, this was particularly hot one and I had a few members of the team in and out to check vitals, then blood gases several times and turn the 02 up. They asked me if I was tired or couldn't stay awake anymore and to be honest I just couldn't stay away. My breathing rate was really high and while this was efficient to keep my C02 just acceptable they said I probably needed to be down on Rowan ward HDU which didn't really suprise me. I think the shock came when they came back and said I was really high risk now and would actually be moved to itu. I expected to be more panicked but all I thought is well I won't have to worry about doing my medications when I'm to tired, someone else can take care of that for me for now.
My mum, Amy and my sister packed my stuff which mostly couldn't go with me. I had a settled night on ITU apart from one blip where I woke up in tears saying I couldn't breathe anymore and needed bipap luckily the meds they gave me relaxed me and I managed the night off bipap.
I spent 2 nights in itu and to be honest somewhere that's been so scary for me before seemed to be a place of comfort. I was reasonably aware, some of the nurses knew me and all were extremely soft, compassionate and just what you need when your struggling. A lot of meds were regigged in itu, some to help fight my current pneumonia and others to help fight the symptoms so I can get things like eatting, Physio and rehabilitation done. All important things but when extreme sickness, vomiting, pain and lack of oxygen kick in all very impossible.
The phycologist came round to see me and I was very open to anything she could do to get me in the right place I needed to be. Which for me in my own words 'if my symptoms carry on like this I don't know how I will have the strength to fight much longer' and credit where credit is due I'm feeling so much stronger there were times when I just didn't know how to keep fighting. How do you carry on breathing when every breath feels like it's crushing you, panicking you, it's not enough but you can't get any more.
My fear when I die is it will be like that, I don't want to suffocate slowly I would much rather the pain be over very quickly.
Anyway I'm now on Rowan part of HDU. On humidified 02 as I have rotten sinusitus. My meds are getting on point and as my CRP has gone from 400 to 50 I haven't had any more temperatures, the symptom meds are all being finley tuned so that I can be as comfortable as I can and do my REHAB to start building some very weak muscle back and believe me I'm working so hard. The hard thing about this is when rehabing before my lungs got strong quickly as it was after my transplants these one well I don't know if they will actually get any better, the pneumonia might be treated but my lung function is not likely to get back to a point where I will ever be able to pole again. To be honest for me to get back to what I love I need a miricale and for someone who has received so many, I'm not sure I can ask for any more. For me my main goal is getting strength back as much as I can for what ever else comes my way and in the hope that I can make it home where I belong with my family.
I'm not ready to die yet that's one think that this pneumonia has affirmed to me. Even in moments of doubt I knew I could get through it if I had the right tools. Something Harefield have really come through with.