Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Menopause


When you know something already, it's obvious to you for so long but Then when someone confirms that and suddenly it's like your really hearing it for the first time. The meaning sinks in and suddenly a little bit of sadness fills your heart.

My ovaries are very nearly completely shut down, I am going through menopause.

I never wanted kids, I always knew that with cf it's not really a possibility. I was always to ill to even think that there would be a time in my life that they would fit in. Knowing I would die young I didn't want to have a child to leave it through its childhood. Having a transplant I suppose that can change things slightly, you know you have a new life line, there's the option of surrogacy, you now have energy to look after a child, run around and play games but still I know my time on this earth is not a normal life span and chronic rejection could set in at any time, proved to me last year when I was diagnosed at approximately 2 years post my first transplant and declined rapidly. Yes I was so lucky to get my 2nd transplant but I still don't know how long this will last and therefor wouldn't be willing to risk having a child to become ill and leave my husband caring for me whilst I die and a baby. Don't get me wrong I have seen my friends post transplant have children and I'm so happy and proud of them it's was some calling deep within for them, there maternal instinct, for me I just don't have enough of that to have a baby with all those risks.

But still sometimes I think if I had a normal life, I would have a child. If I were normal I could wait till I was in my 30ies when I have lived my youth for me and followed my dreams of a successful career, one that I would be well into by now because I wouldn't have had all these other set backs in life. I could then have a child and devote the rest of my life to them.

So that is that, I am not that girl in a normal life and never will be, not that I don't love my life I really do. If by some mirical I get to lead a long life and live into my 50ies then I will look back and feel a pang of regret that I never got to have a child and now all options have forever been taken away. It's final. I have no choice I cannot change my mind and have a child.

The sadness I felt when the menopause was confirmed wasn't just for the child I would never have, there was a whole mix of emotions, suddenly I realise that part of my youth has gone and that's not just mentally, not like just a feeling, physically part of my youth has been taken away from me. My mother had a early menopause, but by early I mean 40ies hers by all accounts seemed quit simple, she complained and still does of hot flushes. So the thought of menopause didn't really frighten me, but then I started researching and realised a lot of my current problems seem to comedown to this. A huge sense of fatigue, that was contributed to by other health factors that are now sorted but the fatigue is still there, tho lessened slightly. It makes me feel so old. It makes me feel less feminine, I am now officially unable to do the thing that makes us women, have children.

Then there's the mood changes, I haven't really told many people but I guess now is as good as time as any. I am on anti depressants. I started them a few weeks ago due to depression and anxiety. There are things that have upset me which I don't want to go into and I guess with my hormones being out of whack it's lead me to feel paralysed inside, a sense of dragging and all momentum has gone. I'm fixated on a few things and really need to be free of them finally, events in my life as well as old demons I have carried around for years. My anxiety comes on suddenly for no reason, I'll just be sitting there and feel overwhelmed, trapped like I can't get out, I don't know what I'm trying to get out of, my own mind, my own body. It's a overwhelming horrid feeling that I can only remember feeling in itu with my first transplant and when I have been on extremely high doses of prednisalone which cause anxiety. The antidepressant are helping but I still lack the motivation I had before, I just feel stuck. Which makes me feel even sadder because I so want to be out enjoying every moment as I do love my life, just right now I feel I've almost forgot how to.

There are many other side affects or symptoms of menopause, which I am experiencing but don't really wish to talk about. It seems that some women sail through, I am not one of those.

I started this menopause at 23, the reason was radiation therapy. I'm starting HRT soon which should help with these symptoms although it may not help one of them. I don't think many people will get how I feel going through menopause, I'm sure a few will think great no periods. I guess I would have thought that before going through it to.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

23 comments:

  1. That's written so so well Kirstie. Huge hugs my lovely friend, I can't say anything useful because I am not in your shoes but me and Sophia send you loads of hugs and kisses. Em xxx

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    1. Thank you lovely. Hugs and kisses to you both (non infectious ones ;-)) xxxx

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    2. Hey
      Saw your story on german television a few minutes ago...!
      Have to say that you are one of the strongest person ive ever seen.
      you are impressing me so much.
      A very emotional story!
      Best wishes for you, your husband and family... stu is such a great partner .
      Respect.

      Greetings from germany and sorry for the bad english language. Hope you understand everything.

      From Sara (19) with love

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  2. You remain an inspiration. I dont have words or anything that I can say which may help-but remember you are never alone x

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  3. You are amazing Kirstie! Been following you for a few years and you are inspirational..xx

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  4. Bless you sweetheart, it is no surprize that you get anxious and depressed, with what you have gone through with the two transplants and the events leading up to them without all the "normal" things that everyone can experience adding to your burden. I am sorry that you have this early menopause it can be very distressing in someone with no other problems let alone yourself. I wish you the very best, you deserve it. I will be thinking of you as you face this new challenge which I am sure you will face with your usual strength and determination. Please don't hesitate to ask for help, we all need a leg up now and then. xx

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  5. Good luck coping thru this tough time. I am almost 52 and still getting regular periods, but I'm feeling a lot of hormonal mood changes. I'm dealing with it but it's difficult. I see what my women friends my age are dealing with and it is NOT easy. And even if you've had children, confronting the fact that you are no longer fertile is challenging. The 'change' truly is a very big shift in a woman's life, a woman's body. My woman gynecologist is great to talk to - she's very open about the fatigue, mind fog, mood changes, etc. I haven't tried anti-depressants, but my doctor has offered them as an option. I try to be gentle with myself, eat well, exercise regularly - keeping my weight stable makes me feel in control of something. Dear Kirstie - don't think I'm discounting the very different life/medical history you present compared to my own. I just want to support you by confirming that yes, the hormonal fluctuations of menopause can be very difficult for many women. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  6. Just wanted to say, I am completely on the same page re kids. I could have moved heaven and earth to have them (still could just about) but having no energy, all the risk factors and not having that 'deep calling' I just don't think it's for me. I'm sure if I was healthy I'd feel different but I'm not, so it's moot.
    Jackie 30 wcf.

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  7. I use this cf mantra daily, just breathe deeply through your nose & repeat this 3 times throughout the day. It helps me forgo the coughing fits & find total calmness, "Life loves me & I love life. I choose now to engage fully & freely."

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  8. A brave and honest post Kirstie. Yet another hurdle for you and your husband but I am sure you will come through this. Dave

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  9. Thank you for your honesty. I am a nurse lworking towards improving services for young people experiencing premature menopause post cancer treatment. Your words continue to inspire me.
    wishing you all the very best with these new hurdles.

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  10. Kirstie, I live in Australia and have been following your facebook page for some time and am amazed how strong you have been and will continue to be with help from her husband, family and medicos. I pray that God will give you His peace at this time. With every good wish from "The Land Down Under" :)

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  11. Hi, Kirsty. I've been silently reading your blog for a while now but this was such an inspirational and honest post that I just had to comment. I'm currently waiting for a heart and lung transplant. I've always known I wouldn't be able to have children either but I definitely would if I was healthy. It's a huge thing to come to terms with and going through the menopause must make it especially difficult. I hope HRT helps your symptoms. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It's always helpful to hear of others going through similar struggles.
    Best wishes x

    thegirlwithheartdisease.blogspot.co.uk

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  12. Right now I see the documentation about your life on TV, and I wish you all the Best! You're unbelievable strong! Greetings from germany
    Birgit

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  13. Hi Kirstie. ...Today I saw your doc at Austrian-tv....I'm very impressed about your power and wish you all the best for you and your Family. Greetings and hugs from Austria

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  14. I just saw you on TV and I am so glad to see that you are all right! Best wishes for u and your family from germany!

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  15. Hi Kirstie,
    I've also seen you on German TV tonight and already tried to point out my deepest respect for the spirit of the reportage foregrounding happiness and will to live. Even as a man I fully comprehend your actual situation as my wife and I gone through a similar situation a few years ago (but don't want to post the complete story at this point).
    I keep fingers crossed that you'll overcome actual emotional situation as you are such a brave warrior.
    Cheers, T

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  16. Yep, saw the documentary yesterday, too - I am most astonished and you teach a lot of people a damn lesson in modesty. What you alreday went thru in your young age must feel like squeezing decades of life experience into days. I've had my thyroid removed one year ago; due to the resulting hormonal imbalance I get, as a male, a VERY limited understanding what menopause must feel like.

    You have the most powerful, loving and loyal husband of the world, Kirstie.

    All the best for you both from an anonymous reader from Germany.

    Daniel


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  17. hey kirstie.....greetings and the best wishes from germany !!! i've seen your story yesterday evening in tv and your destiny ...it goes under my skin....you and your husband are so strong ....AMAZING !!! why i'm posting here....just wanna say you are a great girl and a beautiful woman...with or without menopause !!! and you give me the power to stop smoking.... i do it for you because i'm proud of you ...crazy? maybe a little because we've never seen us or talked together....i don't care...it's just the way i feel for you.....greetings and kisses from bavaria ;-) p.s. please don't give up...never !!!! Anja

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  18. Hello Kirstie,
    I've just seen the documentation of your first lung transplant on german tv. Your story touched me a lot and i've never seen such a brave and strong girl like you before. I just wanted to tell you this, even though you probably hear this all the time. Now this thing with your menopause is really crappy, i wish you wouldn't have it right now but i know that you'll handle it, cuz you're strong and gone through a lot of shit in your life already.
    You don't know me and i just write this down to tell you that i'm extremely proud of you. I'll quit smoking now and tell my boyfriend too, cuz of you. Cuz you showed me how precious life really is and that i shouldn't treat my lung like this.
    I love you for being so strong and i wish you, your husband and your family all the very best in the world. You can and will make it ! Lots of love and hugs and kisses, Vivi xoxo

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  19. Love Kirstie, I've seen the report on you and your illness here on German TV and I am so impressed by your strength. Thanks for that. This not only gives people courage that are sick. You had so many ups and downs, how many in 50 years not.
    I have your website linked in my blog so that more people get to know you.
    I wish you the very best, you wonderful young woman!
    S.

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  20. Hey Kirstie, as many other I watched your doc on German TV and there is not so much left to add to all the comments. But anyway, I was deeply moved. It is really impressing to see how strong you and Stu are in your fight CF. And I was also shocked to read about the current problems a couple of days ago. But now I am happy to see, that you're back on Facebook:-)
    Kirstie, stay strong and never give up. Your story is the evidence that it is always worth it to fight.
    Hugs and kisses from Germany
    Cheers André

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