Keep the ball rolling

So recently I feel my life is coming together in lots of different ways. I'm busy and I love being busy. Working at next, attending the gym with a new hard regime, training on pole, starting hoop regularly and teaching pole is really picking up nicely. The best thing tho is, yes, presenting might actually be getting some where, I'm doing a few pieces for BBC radio Devon on pause for thought in march and also I got asked to be interviewed for itv West Country as part of there 'from the heart' campaign for more donors, but a new twist has developed I'm presenting my own piece! Which will be used in my show reel! How awesome is that! I'm applying for workshops and experience with channel 4s 4talent to! I just love it when a plan comes together!
It's nice to feel the momentum of life picking me up and rolling with it. I just hope that health complications don't stop this ball from rolling. There's only so many times I can push it all to come back together. But hell ill keep trying every time because I know my healthy patch won't last forever and unfortunately I have been struggling the last few days with a lower than normal lung function, tackicardia and palpitations. I'm due up to Harefield Monday where I plan that my orals will have worked, I won't be kept in and will feel miraculously better! Come on my beautiful lungers we can do it. It turns out were a pretty awesome team after everything we've already faced in our short little relationship.
So wish me luck guys and hope I can keep this ball rolling
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Fundo operation anxiety and fear

I've talked about the fundo operation im suppose to be having Here

Well they rang up the other week and left a voice message saying I can have it as early as the next week, suddenly the fear that had been niggling inside me hit, I couldn't bring myself to ring and still haven't. Thoughts swimming around my head and an all mighty no just keeps screaming out over it all.

I guess you might think me pretty silly, it's just a little op right? well no, like I said in my previous blog mine may very well not be and this was again reiterated in the letter I received about the consultation and it really put across just how much they don't think this is going to be simple. Nothing in my life has ever been simple, from treatments, operations and obviously my transplant (not that in any case is it simple but you get what I mean). I just don't think I can face waking up and hearing them tell me it went wrong. I can't face that feeling of the unknown again. I don't want the new scars either dotted across my abdomen or sliced right through the middle, I may have lots and I'm fine with them, iv come to terms with them in time but I just don't want to have to. The recovery scares me so much, I know in comparison to learning to walk and talk it will be nothing but when you've just built everything back up to somewhere, where you feel strong healthy again, to have any incisions in my abs will also halt my pole progress and training. it feels pretty soul destroying to be knocked back down. How many times can I keep getting up? I know some people may think me silly but all these anxieties from my transplant flood back when I think about it and its something I'm just not sure I'm ready for?

I decided to mention it to my cf nurse the other day when I was up there and ended up in tears feeling very panicky and having to calm myself before I went into a panic attack. I asked to see the phycologist to see if I can put myself in a place where I'm ready and I also have an appointment at Harefield Monday, routine clinic, where I will discuss necessity and other options (if there are any) the last thing I want to do is risk my health, but while my reflux has calmed and not posing Immediate danger to my lungs, I want to weigh up all the options and prepare myself a little more if this is the only way.

I'm just hoping there is some other way. I tried to be strong and just get on with it but I couldn't.





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This years plans

So this year has officially started and I thought I would tell you all my plans for it so far!

-stay well and fit

-I plan to peruse presenting as a career.
Email all possible contacts
Look into possible courses
Create a portfolio
Create a show reel

-help organise and be in a 2014 Boudoir calendar for lltgl.

-take part in the British transplant games in cycling and athletics
Get involved with a cycling club
Get involved with exeter harriers and get a coach in athletics, mainly sprinting, but try other athletics
Get sponsorship and local support for games

-compelete VW T5 conversion to camper van
Go on mini breaks

-go on several holidays
Proper holiday/honeymoon with hubby
La with stu, mum and step dad

-hold a pole dancing showcase raising money for lltgl.

-become extremely flexible, i am very flexible already but I would take that even further

-complete exercise to music course
Learn to be a spinning instructor

-come up with another challenge for this year, something different and brilliant (suggestions welcome, also willing to get involved in other people projects)

-ultimately have fun and live every second with passion and thirst.

So that's the list, there not in order of importance but there all my personal goals for the year and things I want to do. I hope you all have you visions for this year and I hope it will be a extremely happy one.



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Oh what a lovely Christmas and here's to a happy hopeful new year

My Christmas, well what can I say. I started work at next over Christmas and it has been great, hard, crazed but great. I loved the buzz of being busy and not having time to over think silly things. I worked hard and it was repaid with A perm position of up to 20hr a week. I feel less stressed about people not turning up to pole lessons already and I'm enjoying teaching.

My Christmas Day, well it was everything that to me Christmas is meant to be, that life is meant to be about. Family. I spent the day with my nan, grandad, stu, mum and her partner ash. I had a roaring laugh, helped mum out with the dinner, played games and felt the joy of giving them all presents which I had thought long an chard about. The joy of there faces lightning up. That to me is the best, but I was of course royally spoilt and I am very grateful, but my Christmas would have just been as good just for being with my family.

I can't tell you when the last time I really had such a nice Christmas, it really just felt special.

Which brings me on to a special family and a special person who will always have a place in my heart, soul and mind. My donor and there family. I hope my donor had a splendid Christmas wherever they are up above, shining on us all. I also hope my donors family were able to have a great Christmas, knowing there loved one isn't far. I once again cannot say how grateful I am my donor signed the register and there family also choose this decision with out them I would not have seen this or the last Christmas and all I can do is wish them love peace and happiness with every fibre of my being.

I now look toward the future, a future of opportunity, fun and not wasting one second. I have so many plans for my life and I am now going to take hold and live them. I hope to start my career in presenting in 2013, to have a proper holiday, in fact to have a few, to not forget or neglect my beautiful family and my gorgeous husband for where ever 2013 year takes me and I hope that that is far, I will be taking them with me.

I wish you all a happy new year, I wish that all your wishes and dreams come true and I wish 2013 will be the year my friend Kerry thorpe gets her call because she will not last much longer without it. Xx

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Harefield, fundo operation, Neil and thought for Kerry

I have been rather quiet everywhere, on Facebook, twitter and even here. I have needed some breathing space time to just be me. I have to say I think it's worked, I feel so much better inside myself. I have thought about my life inside and out. I started to think about what I actually wanted and what was stopping me, in conclusion I decided I didn't want to live this life where I'm struggling for money, bored out my brains. I came up with a ultimate career goal and smaller ones that will help me get there. I decided I love teaching pole and love pole but as a main career it's to stressful, people cancelling on you all the time, never knowing what your income is from one week to another, it was zapping all the fun out of it.

Thinking about what sort of lifestyle I want, what makes me happy and what I enjoy, I decided I would like to be a presenter, I think my background in media has prepared me for the highs and lows. I have contacts in this industry and thinking about all the different aspects of presenting there's not many areas I don't like. I mostly love public interest stories and journalism side. So to get to my main career goal I have lots of little goals, first being, get a part time job on top of pole to supplement my low wage, well done that, I start of Friday with a temporary contract with next in women's wear, which I'm looking forward to. Next goal, a portfolio and show real, both of these I'm organising. Then there's also contacting all my contacts which iv done and had some feed back from. I know this is going to happen over night but I know I can do it.

So other things I've been up to, Iv been up to London for Harefield check up where everything's all well, I was prescribed a drug for nerve pain that's been agony, but good to say that's all sorted. I also had a appointment at st Mary's for a operation I need, I have had bad reflux for years, before transplant and now after, so they have decided to do a fundoplication, basically wrapping the opening of my stomach with flesh from the stomach, by pulling it up and around.

This is a very common operation post transplant. It's done through key whole and is a minor op. unfortunately mine may not be so minor, it turns out that due to various stomach ops I have had micolium isleus and appendix, I may have a lot of scar tissue, they think this because of all the blockages I get that the scar tissue may be one of the reasons. If they can't do it through key whole they will make a scar from the bottom of my sternum to my belly button. A substantial scar. I was devastated to be honest, I take pride in my body and my looks, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, I have near 40 scars now, I get over them each time a new one appears but for some reason the idea of this one really upsets me. I hope that it doesn't come to this. It's strange though my transplant scar never bothered me.

While I was up there I took the time to catch up with friends and saw Neil who's doing amazingly and on the last day I said goodbye had the best smile on his face. Transplant is no easy journey but when you get to where your going its amazing.


This is a picture of the scrap book I made Neil, it's one of the hardest and best presents iv ever done for anyone, following his journey from his call to when he gets home, leaving him space to put other stuff in. There's spaces for firsts, first Christmas, golf game post transplant.

All my Christmas decs are up and I've been baking. Feeling festive.

I'de also like to leave you with one last thought, while your wishing
for those pair of jeans for Christmas, or new straighteners. My friend Kerry thorpe is wishing to make it to Christmas, she is wishing for her call to come. Without that call we don't know how long Kerry will survive, so when your making your lists for Santa please make sure you fill out the organ donor form and get all your family to, when your making your Christmas wishes, make one for Kerry. She is now suffering regular respiratory arrests, I went through many of these and I cannot express how scary they are because you are literally staring death in the face.

Stay strong Kerry we are all thinking about you xxx


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Tummy bug, birthday, Neil's transplant

Well I have a few little updates. Just over a week now iv suffered from a stomach bug, it has been hideous, I have such a sensitive tummy anyway that it's really messed things up in there. I had some extremely high temps, faintness, sickness, diarrhoea , extremely bad stomach pain and general aches and pains. Im so glad to say the bug itself has now cleared up but Im still really weak and suffering badly from faintness, iv been to the doctors a few times this week having bloods done and they have taken really good care of me. Each time though iv had to be laid down and my legs elevated as I was so pale and faint. I'm just trying to build up my strength, resting but trying to do a bit more each day until my body gets used to it again.

My white cell count has dropped even more due to this bug, it was already low, at the moment there keeping a close eye but any lower and I have to go into hospital and have all my medication changed to get it back up. Having your white cell count to low means I'm to immune systems suppressed and if I were to catch anything else I would be extremely vulnerable.

With being so ill I've had a lot of panic attacks, this feeling of weakness has taken me back and has scared me a lot. It's not like me to have panic attacks.

It was Stuart's birthday yesterday and we did venture out for a couple of hours but that really took it out of me for today and we came back after finding out my white cell was low as I didn't want to risk being In crowds. We had a great day chilling out together and even that's a rarity these days with Stuart's work. So we thoroughly enjoyed just being together, well I certainly did. I love my hubby very much and find myself missing him all to often with the hours he works, hopefully that will get better soon! Stu was 28 yesterday and I found a grey eyebrow a few days ago :-D he he age doesn't scare me I find it encouraging, every year he's older I am to and therefore we are a year older together.


Today I had a text message at 2am, I didn't open it till 5am when I saw it there, it was from one of my greatest and best friends Neil. A guy I call bro. He has cf and he finally got his call last night! He pushed me around when I was in a wheel chair and I tried to do the same for him after my transplant when he got sicker, he was to stubborn and walked even though he was struggling. Neil was so sick recently he was in itu and I have to say I truly thought we were going to lose him. I don't know how I would have coped with that. Neil is now in surgery, today is the first day of the rest of his life. I hope my bro just gets the chance to live his life and do all the things he wants to, something he's never really been able to do. I'm so grateful to the person who gave him that chance, who signed the register and gave the greatest gift you can give, I'm grate full to there family for what they have done in such a tragic time and wish them all the love and strength in this horrible time. Thank you for saving my brothers life. Neil still has a long road ahead, so please with him a smooth recover and that he is home by Christmas with his little brothers and sisters so he can enjoy his favourite time of the year.


Im going down to Harefield Friday with a present for another friend who's had a extremely rough time and hope to see Neil. If I'm given the all clear from infection control as I would hate to jeopardise either of there recoveries.


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Mulling things over.

I haven't really got the words to blog at the moment, a lot has gone on and at the same time not alot too. My mind is ticking over and I have nothing interesting to say. I don't want to leave my blog empty and people wondering where I am, so I just thought I would say I'm here, I'm thinking, contemplating, being indecisive and mulling over things. Something is not right, something has got to change in the world of Kirstie...I'm just not sure what, until I do and until my mind is clearer I may not have anything interesting or thought provoking to say.