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Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Is it ok to want more?
Living with cystic fibrosis I always thought as a child and teenager I would be ready to die when death came. That I would be tired of the fight for life and ready to role over and let death happen. How naive I was. Me and my best friend Lou were on our way back from London yesterday and while we were driving along we started to talk about my transplant, as I often do at the moment. It's my way of unpicking at the seems of life, rummaging through the memory's, deciphering the codes in my head left from the trauma of it all. Because when your told your dying, when your so poorly you can barely stay awake, your brain starts to loose pieces of information along the way. It's like it decides what it can deal with and starts to throw out all the other stuff until you are back on the road to recovery and then you start to find all these lost memory's.
Memory's such as ringing my nan and telling her I wasn't going to get a second transplant and I wasn't going to make it. Nothing can prepare you for that conversation, not even your delusions as a teen that when death came you would be ready. Starting to relive those memory's, it's so painful, so raw, it's like going through them for the first time because each time you remember something else and it's all new again, the pain slices through you and the tears sweep my face.
I can only just remember the howling cry of my brother, even as I write about it, it feels so fresh so new and I want to reach Into my memory and wrap my arms around him And tell him how it all turns out ok.
I still don't remember all those conversations I made to so many of my close friends and family that day. I wonder if they will ever come back, part of me hopes they will stay hidden. Am I ever ready to deal with these moments of pain. There are still things I cannot remember from my first transplant and i am sure if they were to come back to me they wouldn't benefit me in anyway, they are hidden some where in the deep fog of protection, possibly just dropped out of my brain forever never to be found.
There is something else I have learnt from this experience, not only am I not ready to die but I'm finally ready to live. Now this may sound confusing for everyone, iv never shied away from life or walked away from an experience to be had but iv never thought I wanted to live to be old, joked about the fact I don't want wrinkles and simply thought that 50, 60 or 80 sounds to old. Sorry for those who are that age, but being young those ages do sound so old to me. Until the penny dropped, stu said to me today about sorting out his retirement fund. My reaction was to well up, I want to be there! I want to be with him when he retires, sending him off down the golf club in the day while I natter away to my friend Lou and go to the spa or some retirement like leisurely thing!
This may sound selfish of me, it does to me. It sounds like I'm simply wanting to much and I should just be grateful for every day I get, god I promise you I am. Sometimes though I catch myself wanting more and hoping I never have to relive those conversations with my friends, not just in my memory's but in real life.
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Memory's such as ringing my nan and telling her I wasn't going to get a second transplant and I wasn't going to make it. Nothing can prepare you for that conversation, not even your delusions as a teen that when death came you would be ready. Starting to relive those memory's, it's so painful, so raw, it's like going through them for the first time because each time you remember something else and it's all new again, the pain slices through you and the tears sweep my face.
I can only just remember the howling cry of my brother, even as I write about it, it feels so fresh so new and I want to reach Into my memory and wrap my arms around him And tell him how it all turns out ok.
I still don't remember all those conversations I made to so many of my close friends and family that day. I wonder if they will ever come back, part of me hopes they will stay hidden. Am I ever ready to deal with these moments of pain. There are still things I cannot remember from my first transplant and i am sure if they were to come back to me they wouldn't benefit me in anyway, they are hidden some where in the deep fog of protection, possibly just dropped out of my brain forever never to be found.
There is something else I have learnt from this experience, not only am I not ready to die but I'm finally ready to live. Now this may sound confusing for everyone, iv never shied away from life or walked away from an experience to be had but iv never thought I wanted to live to be old, joked about the fact I don't want wrinkles and simply thought that 50, 60 or 80 sounds to old. Sorry for those who are that age, but being young those ages do sound so old to me. Until the penny dropped, stu said to me today about sorting out his retirement fund. My reaction was to well up, I want to be there! I want to be with him when he retires, sending him off down the golf club in the day while I natter away to my friend Lou and go to the spa or some retirement like leisurely thing!
This may sound selfish of me, it does to me. It sounds like I'm simply wanting to much and I should just be grateful for every day I get, god I promise you I am. Sometimes though I catch myself wanting more and hoping I never have to relive those conversations with my friends, not just in my memory's but in real life.
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Thursday, 20 June 2013
2 year wedding anniversary
On Sunday me and stu celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. We stayed in a lovely hotel over night in Bristol and had a nice meal together. I'm grateful for every moment I have with my hubby but special occasions like this we think back to when we got married and how close we came to losing each other. The reason I got to this anniversary was due to the kindness of a stranger and there loved ones. So with every breath I thank them and on these special occasions I always say a special thanks. Sometimes I look back over these last 2 years and they seem like a dream, almost to good to be true, did it all really happen?
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Saturday, 27 April 2013
The honeymoon
This was written on the 14th as I flew out to gran canaria, I had an amazing time and caught a beautiful tan!
As I sit here, I'm on my way to my honey moon. 1year and 10months married and 4 and half years together. Enduring more than most couples. I want to tell you what my marriage means to me. Having been through so much together and had a brilliant documentary made about us, some think that maybe we are the perfect couple? We certainly aren't, like most couple we fight and argue and we have had some extremely tough points as a couple, points where perhaps we've even wondered if we are right together.
As I sit here though, I cannot imagine being without this man and I always said that marriage to me doesn't mean we will be in eternal bliss together a bubble of love. It means fighting through, battling to maintain the love. When you are first together you love each other faults and all, it's easy, you are so wrapped up in the sparkle of the shining new relationship, but marriage mean carrying on when the sparkle is not there to fool you and deflect all your partners fault. It means patience at time, when it is not often there, it means being friends and talking through the faults. If a problem arises you can't just say well that's it it means working through. I have a real beliefs that my marriage will last, like I say not because we're perfect but I hope that we will always want to fight and battle though. Sometimes we have to remind each other of why it's worth fighting for, why we are worthy of the others love. When I sit back and really think about the man I married and why, I remember, his patience for my anger, his kindness, his caring nature that has nursed me and how he knows me, he knows everything about me and loves me because of it and in some ways despite it. His humour and silly nature and how our silly natures fit together. We certainly have this unspoken language that only we share. He is the one person I have In trusted with every piece of knowledge about me, things I would share with no one else. In all of this there is a deep love for each other and in that we find our own eternal bliss not one that was made up in a book but a real one with all the grit and roughness of life. One that far surpasses fiction.
I would also just like to say I love you Stuart and I really do believe if soul mates exist then I cannot believe there's anyone out there who would fit with me more perfectly.
So nearly 2 years since we were married here's our honeymoon and first week away since tx!
Dedicated to my gorgeous husband.
x
I will be updating on the going ons since I have been back as well it's been eventful in some good and not so good ways.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
As I sit here, I'm on my way to my honey moon. 1year and 10months married and 4 and half years together. Enduring more than most couples. I want to tell you what my marriage means to me. Having been through so much together and had a brilliant documentary made about us, some think that maybe we are the perfect couple? We certainly aren't, like most couple we fight and argue and we have had some extremely tough points as a couple, points where perhaps we've even wondered if we are right together.
As I sit here though, I cannot imagine being without this man and I always said that marriage to me doesn't mean we will be in eternal bliss together a bubble of love. It means fighting through, battling to maintain the love. When you are first together you love each other faults and all, it's easy, you are so wrapped up in the sparkle of the shining new relationship, but marriage mean carrying on when the sparkle is not there to fool you and deflect all your partners fault. It means patience at time, when it is not often there, it means being friends and talking through the faults. If a problem arises you can't just say well that's it it means working through. I have a real beliefs that my marriage will last, like I say not because we're perfect but I hope that we will always want to fight and battle though. Sometimes we have to remind each other of why it's worth fighting for, why we are worthy of the others love. When I sit back and really think about the man I married and why, I remember, his patience for my anger, his kindness, his caring nature that has nursed me and how he knows me, he knows everything about me and loves me because of it and in some ways despite it. His humour and silly nature and how our silly natures fit together. We certainly have this unspoken language that only we share. He is the one person I have In trusted with every piece of knowledge about me, things I would share with no one else. In all of this there is a deep love for each other and in that we find our own eternal bliss not one that was made up in a book but a real one with all the grit and roughness of life. One that far surpasses fiction.
I would also just like to say I love you Stuart and I really do believe if soul mates exist then I cannot believe there's anyone out there who would fit with me more perfectly.
So nearly 2 years since we were married here's our honeymoon and first week away since tx!
Dedicated to my gorgeous husband.
x
I will be updating on the going ons since I have been back as well it's been eventful in some good and not so good ways.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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