Anything worth having was never easy

As I mentioned I'm currently training my video entry for pole theatre, tomorrow I record it and send it off all before 12 midday. 

The video entry is judged and then it is decided if I get to compete at semi pro umoung 5 others in drama category. 

This week I have not been 100% I have had temperatures and tiredness,nothing all that serious but it has left me feeling weak and a little disheartened. Although my lung function is great and I can do a lot, the one thing I really struggle with is doing a whole routine gracefully, maintaining strength through out while the whole time I am heaving for breath. I'm not saying I struggle with breathlessness because on the whole I don't, I can put most people to the test but I cannot seem to deal with this breathless feeling during routines. I guess I have to consider if all I have been through I really can do what I want? Am I just dreaming the unimaginable, reaching to far? Bound to fail all because I dreamed a little to much. 

That feeling of dizziness, while your heart is pounding in your chest, while your lungs feel empty, its scary. I know why sometimes people post transplant don't want to exercise, because why would you want to feel that feeling you felt so close to death even if it is not a touch on what it was before and not the same thing, feeling remotely like that your body panics.

I wonder if after everything my body is capable of what I want to do? I really want to thing so, but after running the routine thought for the 5 th time, the lifts look weak and heavey if you make them and sometimes you just can't. The feelings of failure can become a little to daunting.

I don't want to run and hid from this, I don't want to turn my back on this dream, any thing worth having was never easy, right? Well this is definatly not easy, so it must be really worth it.

My new logo

My favourite pole move Pegasus.

Competitor

It's time to complete a life goal. Iv had it in my mind for so long now the idea that I have nearly missed my opportunity so many time, means that this year I put it at the top of my list! I am becoming a competitor in the pole world.

Thursday night I sat as I uploaded my video entry, filled in the forms and transferred the entry fee. It's been done. Now I have to wait till the end of next week to find out if I get to compete at the Miss Pole Dance Uk semi pro on 28th of June. In all honestly I don't know if I get through, the competitions high! If I do, will I win? I highly doubt that! But I am committed, I'm in it to winit, it's not about show boating to others or being better then anyone else, it's about beating myself, tricking my body into reaching new heights and telling it that ultimately Cf may try to kick my ass nearly every day but I am still what I was ment to be, I am still a dancer.

As I delve into my training more and add in new aspects, I can feel my body knowing what it has always known but never been able to do, lines become sharper, moves flow freely as I start to unlock my true potential. I know it's in there, I know I can do it, it's so hard to explain but I am becoming everything I was born to be, born to do. I was not born to spend my life dying, but set it alight as I twist and bend into beautiful shapes.









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Pole jam with Felix cane

So today me and 2 of my students traveled up to surrey to Taylor's retreat is for a 3 hour ole jam with Felix cane. I knew my lungs being at 45% I would struggle, I'm weak from the high dose prednisalone for my organised pneumonia, as it strips muscle. So I knew I wasn't going to be at the top of my game but I'm so keen to get back to full strength and emerge myself in the world of pole I decided a pole jam with Felix was a amazing opportunity and a chance to see my idol and just simply amazing lady well unmissable right?

So here's some pictures from today.
































































Felix sandwich












It was a awesome day and I realised I'm not as weak as I thought I'd become, that I still have a lot of pole potential that isn't being used and it's my responsibility to make use of it, that I love being upside down whether its pole, hoop or silks!

I had my consultation this week for the fundo operation I will blog about this another day when I have muddled through all my thoughts on it. I have to say it was rather scary and emotional for me and my mum who came with me,


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Felix cane

I'm not one to follow celebrities, to idolise or be star struck. I admire certain people and think what they've done with the careers is notable but it wouldn't have me weak at the knees. Only one person has ever made me do that and I met her when she came to visit me in hospital. Felix cane. Your probably thinking who? Unless your interested in fitness pole dancing her name isn't greatly known in the wider world, but let me assure you it should be!

I'de had a bronch that morning and just felt ready to take 02 off, in my pjs, no make up and to be honest I couldn't have cared, if I had known my idol was going to walk in then well I might have made more of a effort. My friend Sam Ames from Taylor's retreat was hosting Felix workshops the whole month and I had already expressed how upset I was that I was not well enough to go or to meet her. Shes from australia and travels the world so its not every day you get the chance. Sam walked in on her own which was a nice enough surprise anyway, she gave me a card expressing that Felix was sad we couldn't meet, next thing Felix is there in front if me! I then did the geeky thing, started crying and breathing stupidly! In fact I had to put my 02 back on I was that bad.

I then proceeded to spent a couple of amazing hours chatting with Felix and Sam, in some surreal world. It was crazy.

I'd like to explain why Felix is my idol. She is a world champ at pole, cirque due Soleil performer, you can't even imagine the things she can do on a pole, the strength, grace, skill and beauty of it is something unimaginable. It is something that my whole 6 years poling has inspired me to the core and since meeting her has inspired me to recover so I can train hard and possible achieve one eight of what she does. I really can't describe what her visit did for me and what a huge moral boost it was.

So here's a few pictures of my time with the extremly funny, witty and strangely down to earth women.




















Just a quick health update, I am home and have a consultation in London for the fundo operation Wednesday, I had a bronch last Tuesday which showed I have something called organised pneumonia, it's a inflammatory response that collapses the airways, I'm on 6 weeks treatment of high dose steroids for this, in which I will eat everything in site and become fat and bloated. I don't know if my lungs will recover and I don't know when the operation will be, I may have to wait to the end of this treatment as steroids affect healing. I am still extremely positive but unfortunately also extremely breathless. I guess I didn't really want to do a full update on health as I'm just trying to focus on one thing at a time and not worry about the operation or if ill get any better, I just want to think about trying to getting better.

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