My thoughts on a few things over the last few weeks

I just wanted to write a quick blog on some of the serious stuff I have skimmed over the last week or so. So I will start with Monday, 999 call. For me it was the most scariest thing I have ever been through. I don't wish to ever replay those moments but know with my lung disease it is most likely to happen again. My breathing felt awful all morning and had done for about a week, to the point where i felt unable to breath on my own. My lungs weren't expanding enough and all I felt like was I was suffocating and it wasn't peace full or painless. I felt like I was dying and It was not everything I was promised or imagined it to be. The worst of what happened was when me, my mum and my 2 carers were there and the ambulance was on its way. Something suddenly changed and I felt shere panic, I knew If something didn't change I was going to die. I didn't feel like me and everything felt all wrong. I couldn't keep breathing, I couldn't hold on, I could hear my mum screaming at me but I think suddenly I gave up fighting and that's when things became a little bit easier. The ambulamced arrived and we were stuck for ages on just how to get out the house, i couldn't come of bi pap as i couldn't breath on my own but I didn't have a portable one.

The next few days after that were talks of hows and ifs about the wedding, I know some hard conversations were had about me and I think alot of tears were spilt. Another little thing I have to clear up is yes I was extremely poorly but i wasn't resuscitated. This is also not possible for the future as I have a DNR (do not resuscitate) due to the severity of my condition now, if i was to be resuscitated I would be put on a ventilator and unable to come off it making transplant impossible and only prolonging my pain and suffering. I am still determined to get a transplant but I now I need these things implace as I feel I am walking such a fine line now.

So enough of that for now, I made it, I made it to my wedding. The day was truly amazing, I can't really describe how much it meant to me and seeing everyone there. My CF team literally did everything they could to get me there and make it as stress free and easy as possible. My little bridal team did everything for me including my mum and sister staying the night before the wedding in the hospital and having Chinese. Everyone was amazing. Mostly my husband, when I saw him i couldn't help thing how handsome he looked even though he was blubbing, I choose the best man for me ever. We spent alot of the day together, everyone says you don't get much time together on the wedding, but we did. Which im so glad about, as it was our wedding. Our day. The speeches really touched me, my Dad isn't the best at public speaking, he was so nervous, but his speech ment so much to me and i don't know whether it was just me but it was the clearest Iv ever heard him speak and what he said was important. My husband blubbed again, but did such an amazing speech, making everyone laugh as usual and his best man was also amazing. It was just the best day of my life. I wouldn't change a thing, all the little quirks are what made it unique and at the end of it all It was about our love.

Now, well I'm home, after a brief trip back to the hosp to make rest and get some more strength. I'm needing higher 02 now and waiting to get a portable bi-pap as I need it alot more now. I'm on a cocktail of stronger drugs, anxiety meds(to calm me and my breathing when your as ill as i am your body feels like its should be in a constant state of panic but that isn't very helpful), higher pain meds and if they don't do the trick im going back on the sub cut injection of meds. Its a little cannula that stays in your belly and slowly injected your meds over a slow period of time, via a mini pump.

I am on my honey moon now and I'm going to have a bloody good time.