Monday, 14 December 2015

Anything worth having was never easy

As I mentioned I'm currently training my video entry for pole theatre, tomorrow I record it and send it off all before 12 midday. 

The video entry is judged and then it is decided if I get to compete at semi pro umoung 5 others in drama category. 

This week I have not been 100% I have had temperatures and tiredness,nothing all that serious but it has left me feeling weak and a little disheartened. Although my lung function is great and I can do a lot, the one thing I really struggle with is doing a whole routine gracefully, maintaining strength through out while the whole time I am heaving for breath. I'm not saying I struggle with breathlessness because on the whole I don't, I can put most people to the test but I cannot seem to deal with this breathless feeling during routines. I guess I have to consider if all I have been through I really can do what I want? Am I just dreaming the unimaginable, reaching to far? Bound to fail all because I dreamed a little to much. 

That feeling of dizziness, while your heart is pounding in your chest, while your lungs feel empty, its scary. I know why sometimes people post transplant don't want to exercise, because why would you want to feel that feeling you felt so close to death even if it is not a touch on what it was before and not the same thing, feeling remotely like that your body panics.

I wonder if after everything my body is capable of what I want to do? I really want to thing so, but after running the routine thought for the 5 th time, the lifts look weak and heavey if you make them and sometimes you just can't. The feelings of failure can become a little to daunting.

I don't want to run and hid from this, I don't want to turn my back on this dream, any thing worth having was never easy, right? Well this is definatly not easy, so it must be really worth it.

My new logo

My favourite pole move Pegasus.